Overthinking

“Over-planning kills the magic.”

I saw this quote on Pinterest several months ago. It did gave me a great punch on my face so many times. I guess it would still remind me to calm myself down and stop being too panic.

 

The first notebook I received as gift was when I was in grade 5. My mom gave me as a gift and told me she thought it’s time for me to learn how to organize my to-do list. Starting from that time, I get to be addicted to planning habit.

My planning habit started with homework, my meeting schedule, my study timetable, and so on. It’s normal for almost everyone to plan this. But the meaning of getting addicted is that I started to plan every small little actions at that moment. At this moment, I’ll finish this. After this, I’m going to do that, and that, and that. Until I reach the point that I feel like I live my life by running after my schedule.

Nowadays, I’m trying to get rid of this habit. Once in a while, it keeps coming back and forth. But so far, I’m getting better bit by bit.

 

Yet, neither this crazy catching my to-do list habit, its side effect is not really pleasant either. I always imagine everything in advance and that drives me crazier.

Since I do not stop myself only with imagination but I also take action to prevent whatever my over-thinking habit brings me to, I sometimes end up regretting with my decision in the past.

Only because I feel panic, sometimes I do close the doors that would bring me to experience something new, something that might not be as bad or as scary as I had imagined by myself. There were so many times I found out that reality is much more better or even nicer than I had thought. But due to those negative imagination and over-thinking habit, I had already decided to close the door even before that reality comes to knock on my door.

 

One thing I like about studying social science is that we do not rely on only one side of the fact. Good social science scholars suppose to investigate the thing happens in our society from various perspectives so that they can come up with the best solutions for any social problems we are facing.

This really teaches me to take time when I get to make new friends, or know new people. Within one person, you might find some kind of habit or personality that you cannot stand at all. Still, there might be some great parts of him or her, waiting for you to discover.

 

I do guess, not only with my term papers, also with my decision in real life I need to be braver to experience new things. Good or bad, it depends on how you look at it and I should not let anyone’s word judge the future that has not arrived.

Who knows it might be way more better than you’d imagined?

 

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(This photo was taken last year in Busan, my fast and furious trip that I had decided to join without thinking carefully. Though it came with burden of doing report, fortunately the trip was so nice and it turned out to be one of my unforgettable trips).

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Failure

Everyone gets his or her own fear, depending on what kind of experience that he or she’s got before in the past. It could be something so simple or complicated.

But when we talk about fear, we cannot really compare if that fear is that simple. Because everyone perceives in different way. We, thus, shouldn’t make fun of it. No matter how small it is in our eyes.

 

Since I was young, my biggest fear so far, I guess it’s failure. Not because I’ve never failed before, but because I’m too competitive.

When I was young, I always wanted to be the greatest. If I got to compete, I wanted to be the winner. Not the second, not the third, but the first one.

Yet, the more I grow older, the more I know about the world. The word ‘number one forever’ doesn’t exist. Today, you might be the winner, you might be number one. But new generation keeps coming. Everyday someone will break the record and the new record will also replaced by the newcomer, and this cycle will not stop.

 

Realizing that truth, I’ve changed my mind. Instead of competing with the others, I get to compete with the closest one, myself.

I was told and I’m also the one who keep telling myself that competing with yourself makes no harm. I equate competing with myself, beating my own record as a progress. Everyday you see new progress, and then you satisfy with yourself.

Well, I’m about to slip out from my main topic again. I’m not trying to say that competing with your own self, especially yourself in the past, is the wrong thing. Everyone surely wants to be better than him/herself in the past, and nothing’s wrong with it.

Just only in my case, I’m too competitive with myself until I’m afraid of getting to be fail. Until I realize that though I’m getting to be better person as I hope, I forget one important truth.

I’m still human and it’s normal for human to be failed.

Failure is one part of getting old and it’s one part to learn from yourself in the past. Failure shouldn’t be considered as a scar but as a teacher. Because I’m not really smart person, sometimes I might repeat the same failure. But that’s nothing to blame yourself. You just need to get up and continue again.

As some Japanese idiom said, “You fail 7 times, you get up 8 times.”

 

If your failure will not cause the end of the world, don’t be too afraid to fail and move on.

 

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(On the way to Nagasaki, Japan with my family 2 years also)

ps. Master’s life is way more hectic than I had expected. I did need a lot of time to adapt myself with this pace. I’m trying my best not to skip writing and reading.

Time healing

Whenever something hard happens in my life, the very first person I always turn to is my mom.

She’s one of the best ideal mom so far. She’s always there, standing by me with good advice, her warm kiss and hug.

Mostly, she always helps me trying to figure out the way to solve the problems. Yet with some kind of problems, she only can give me some advice.

One of the best advice for almost every problem so far is just wait and let the time heal you.

 

At very first moment that you heard this advice, deep inside you would like to argue and choose to take some action instead because you feel like to follow this advice sounds so desperate. Maybe not for everyone, but I am that type of person.

I like to take action. I feel more secured to make sure that it would be fine in the end. I do plan a lot (some of my friends would say I’m A type more than B. Yet I’m B type hahaa). If possible, I would like to follow my plan but in case I really cannot, I’ll just let it go easily also (Well, this might be the part that you can consider me as B type).

Taking action makes me feel better with myself. I feel like at least I got to do something to prevent the bad effect that might happen in the future. Just to let the things go and wait for the time to heal, somehow is too slow and cannot guarantee any result in the end.

Yet mom’s advice is still correct. I found out that for cases, if you really do try your best already, just let it be and wait. Time will really help.

Especially, after this first month in graduate school.

 

I always consider myself not really smart one. Thus, in order to get the same result as those smart classmates, I need to work harder. I value hardworking people and their effort that they dedicate for the work, especially with their passion. That’d be super cool for me.

This mindset pushes me to aim higher and higher. I’m trying harder and harder. I go hard for myself. Good thing is I’m going further and further than I’d expected myself to be in the past. But there are always side effects of everything.

Though it pushed me to go further and aim for better, I always push myself into too much stress. It’s easy for me to get nervous. I always run with deadline. I lock myself with my work in my room and I won’t stop until it’s done. I always repeat this routine until some of my friends messaged me to make sure that I’m still alive and not fall sick yet.

After one year language program ended and my Master’s life starts, I tend to repeat this routine again. But studying in new language and being so far from home let me see the world from different point of view.

One night after working on my paper like crazy as always and chatting with one of my friend about work-life balance, I was showering and this idea just popped up.

It’s fine to push myself and aim for higher goal yet I really need to learn how to be happy with my life. Else, the day that I can really be happy would never come.

After showering, I was swiping my phone and browsing on my Facebook and Instagram. Some of the same scholarship fellows posted about their Friday night on SNS. Some went to sing in karaoke. Some went to cafe. Some went to eat out with friends. Some even went to amusement park. I did felt like someone knocking my head with big stick.

I kept asking myself: What am I doing now?

Well, it’s not about the ‘good life’ or ‘social media effect’. It’s just about sometimes you really need to know how to make balance with your life. It’s okay if you enjoy studying then just go studying. But if not, time to pull yourself out of your papers and find something that can help charging your energy to move on. My mom told me last time that no one can really teach you how to balance your work life and your happiness. Also everyone’s happiness is different.

After that night, I tried to give myself more time to get used and adapt to my Master’s life a bit by bit. I was too rush. Wanting to get to be really good since the beginning. I expect myself too high and in the end, only one thing that I got in return is stress that I was the only one who suffers with it alone.

As the time passes by, bit by bit I’m getting better bit by bit also. I start to feel enjoy reading my study materials, my lesson and I got my passionate to my major back after getting scared of it in Korean language version for awhile.

 

As mom said, sometimes you just need to be chilled and let the time reveal its own magic.;)

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(This photo was taken around 2 years ago on board back from Singapore. It was taken during magic hour. So somehow it reminds me that magic would happen when you calmly wait until it comes by itself).

First lesson in graduate school

Well, to update about my life, I just started my graduate school life last week.

Though it’s still my own major from Bachelor’s, I feel like it’s such a long time ago already that I didn’t get to see my subjects again and I felt so nervous before the first class started.

I still can remember that night before first class started, I couldn’t sleep that tight since I was worried about first lecture in my life which is all in Korean. English is not my mother tongue but I feel way more comfortable if my lecture is in English.

 

After first week, I felt so overwhelmed with papers and curiosity. This kind of feeling is normal when you keep questioning yourself on your decision in the past. Maybe I didn’t a wrong choice. Maybe I might not be that good enough.

In the end, I decided to stop reading papers and go to sleep. After waking up next morning, everything seemed to be way better than the night before.

 

I realized that life is just like this. Whatever it is, you need time. Time to adjust myself, my speed, my life pace. It might take longer time than you’d expect but no rush. Slowly. When everything is in its place and you already get used to it, it would slowly flow and everything would be okay.

I tweeted this thought on my twitter and some of my friends came to show their support and encourage, as always. Our motto since high school is ‘Nothing just believe’ from Kang Fu Panda. My friend said the older we are, the harder things we face. It would be harder for us to believe that we can do it because it comes with different condition. But she believes that I can do it. Just need to calm myself down and slowly do it step by step. It might be slower than the others but it doesn’t mean that the final result would be worse than the others.

Her word is wise one as always. But one thing I do realized after reading her message this morning is that although you might not always keep in touch with some friends, true friend is always true friend and their friendship is so precious so you shouldn’t neglect or let it go so easily. If it means something, you need to make sure that you wouldn’t let it go.

Well, if my back up is this well, how can I just give up since the beginning this easy? Time to move on and just give it your best try. Don’t be afraid to fail because everything can be fixed. Always.

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(This photo was taken in Bangkok. The day I went on one day trip with my friends. Got fainted but thanks to them I survived haha. Remembered that day I was fully charged after mental break down because of relationship.

Thanks to you if you get to read this. I know you know who you are. haha!)

The nearest, the most complicated

I don’t have long-eyed sight. (Or I’d better say not yet). But, these days I keep thinking that somehow I got long-eyed sight. I just didn’t really realize about it.

As I always ignore the things nearby and for some reasons that I rarely understand, I always look for something that’s far away, or else not really coming so soon. Something in the future. Something that might not even come.

With this reason, could I call this long-eyed sight?

 

I’ve wondered so much about people, about the world. How would it be outside there? Far away from your own comfort zone. How different is it? How people think in different way? Why? How?

My curiosity brings me somewhere far. Too far. I got chances to explore more on the world, on different society, different culture, get to meet more people. Those experiences provide me more chance to understand the world, the outer one that’s far away from your own world. The world that you’d thought you already know about it so well by your heart.

But as I read from somewhere (Please don’t mind me for my memory, you read a lot then you forget where it is from. Since your memory can turn to be too blurred with overload information), no matter how far you’ve gone, once you would come back at the beginning point.

The more you explore about the outer world, the more you get to be curious on your own inner world.

Well, to be more specific, that inner world is your own self, your own heart, your own soul.

My curiosity changed from the world to myself since I came to Korea for my Master’s degree. It had stopped once because of my busy schedule. Yet, my conversation with one of my best friends reminded me this question again. And as usual, I still cannot come up with any answer that satisfy myself.

I’m quite satisfied with my life. I got to choose my own life pace. I got the best mom, warm and closed family, super nice and supportive group of friends and inner cycle.

But still I got the feeling that I keep looking for something. Something that’s alike missing puzzle. Something that I don’t really know what it is. I still wonder with myself.

What or who am I looking for in this life? What is the thing that can really fulfill this soul?

Somehow, the most complicated thing is not the things that you don’t know but it’s the most closest, the nearest thing. Your own heart.

The more you explore, the most you get to be both, fascinated and worried, how your own heart can be this complicated and confusing. Will I really get to understand it enough? Or that day might not ever come?

Probably, this meaning of life might take me such a long time to figure it out. Else, it might take me my whole life, I wouldn’t even know.

 

 

But I guess this complicated puzzle will be worth that time to solve it out anyway.

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(This photo was taken in National Gallery of Singapore and this model credit goes to the girl I’m missing the most at this moment, my younger sister! Hope you’re doing well there).

Life pace

After studying social science and getting to know more people, there is one important thing I get to learn.

Everyone is different. Everyone is unique in his or her own way. All of us perceives and experiences the world in different way because we all are socialized and raised up in our own way. They value the things in our life differently.

Some people aim for the highest position. Some people already satisfy with the simple life, surrounded by the one they love and the one that return them back love. Some people aim for something that he or she might not even understand it clearly enough what it is.

 

And also, because of this uniqueness,┬áthere might be so many times you feel frustrated, you might feel down, you might get confused with life. Just because your life don’t go to the pace that the others’ life do.

 

During college school, especially the time before graduation, I was always wondering and got afraid of future pace. I didn’t really know where to go, what to do. Would it be okay? How would the others will think about that?

Sometimes, you get the feeling of invisible pressure on your shoulders though no one  says anything. That was my feeling last time. In the end, I realized that the only thing that really matters is my way of thinking.

It’s not about what the other think, what the other believe. But it’s only ‘my’ own thinking. Future that seems so unstable and scary is nothing if I just put my nervousness down and let it flow in their own way, naturally. Only one thing I can control is my own way of doing the thing. If I make sure that I already do it in my best way, there is nothing to regret later. That should be more than enough.

 

Yes, since sometimes to reach the most perfect life pace is just to let it flow, naturally, as this blue planet earth works. Anyway, human is still part of this greatest nature.

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(Photo from our graduation trip in Krabi with my Chiang Mai Gang. I still got the greatness of nature by this photo ever.)

Last of the Last

My first count down in my life was on New Year Eve in Thailand when I was in primary school. I was on the stadium with my mom and we counted down for the new coming year with thousands of people there.

All I remember was that we waited until the end since they drew lots for New Year present. Ended up we got one electronic fan with us back home. Then, I never got to go back for any New Year count down again because I started to hate crowded places and preferred counting down in my house with my book and blanket instead.

Still, I like to count down. Not really for New Year. But at the very last moment of anything, I would start to count down how many days have left. By that time, I’ll realize that from 30 days that seems a lot, then slowly decrease to 20, and then last 10 days will come so fast, too fast until you feel like pressing the pause button to take a break before goodbye stage will really come.

I count down to remind myself how many days to go and also to tell myself to seize those precious days with the places I want to go, the things I want to do, and the people I love to spend time with. Since life can be so short, you would never know when will be next time that you’ll get to go, to do or to meet them again.

One thing that counting down my day has never let me down is that I’d never regret later when I look back to my time. It might be sad to move on to next chapter of our life but at least, you know that you already enjoy and indulge every single second of those last moment periods.

My last 10 days in Daejeon for language course is coming and I’ll make sure that I’ll not regret later.

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PS. It’s super hot but Korea summer sky will also never let you down.;-)